this is the end my friends…

Look, I have spent several faithful years at this blog. Well sort of faithful and I think it is time for an end. There are a couple reasons for this. People reading this blog only see one side of me. The stressed out neurotic side. There are a lot more dimensions to me than that. I think I am getting anxious about what about me is online. It will take a while for me to archive this site–and to even figure out how to do it, but I am leaving dirtandglitter nonetheless.
Also I am leaving because as more people read it, the more censoring of myself I do, and I don’t want to have to do that. I don’t want to have to appease others or tell guarded truths.
Thirdly and very importantly for years now I have been operating under the perspective, advice, perceptions and stories of someone I love and trusted. It is now that I realize that that person may not have always been honest with me, this has caused me to question a lot of things in my life. I haven’t been entirely fair in my perceptions of people specifically my father. I know he is not perfect, and mistakes have been made, but it also isn’t fair to dis him the way I have on this blog, especially realizing I don’t have all the facts.
Anyway I am done here at dirtandglitter. I am not done with blogging, just this type of blogging. I may soon start a recipe/craft blog but nothing so chaotic and personal as what has been up here. Thank you those of you who have read and been supportive of me over the years.

Much Love,

Denieal

clean bill of mental health

I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. I am able to get free mental health I recently learned, which is awesome because lets face it I am insane. Well actually she said I wasn’t. In fact she says what everyone says, which is they are surprised I am this well adjusted considering my situation. Clearly they have not read this blog.

I didn’t get the graphics/admin. job. I started the week dry heave sobbing after that news. It is getting harder and harder for me to suppress my flair for the dramatic. I told my mother I am still not at the ’shit I am going to have to be a prostitute,’ stage but I’m getting close. Sadly I don’t think I have high enough self esteem to be a hooker… Yeah I think I need a moment of silence for the patheticness of that realization…

I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do. I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. It is increasingly harder to talk to my boyfriend every day. I am worried I will never get to see him. The other day marked us being together for six months, yet in that time we have only spent two actual weeks in each others physical presence. It breaks my heart. I feel guilty for being such a broke ass bitch.

I started the part time telemarketing job that I got working for the Alumni Association at Sydney Uni. If I could I would absolutely rather someone pay me to slap me every hour upon the hour than be a telemarketer, but I am desperate. Yet unless I find something else I will still not be able to come up with the money to go to New Zealand. I hate feeling so trapped. I wish someone would just see how talented I am and hire me for a fun and creative job that pays well. And if I were really to stretch the wish I wish that it were in the film industry and in Melbourne. I mean I am a good person…

so so

My job for this week is to direct people around the university for enrollment day. Why there is no online enrollment completely baffles me. This whole week is dedicated to enrollment. The non stop mist of rain may have deterred some people from venturing out. I have had only a few individuals ask me for directions. The majority of the time I just sit in the rain reading or chatting with the person I was paired up with. Now I am on another break.
I feel like things in my life are ok today, which is a start. I began my weekend infuriated because we were set to have a house inspection this week. My mom has multiple projects happening at once which she doesn’t have the time or energy to get to. The result was a growing junk pile outside of our house. I felt abandoned to the mess as she wasn’t home and I found my self with a gargantuan task ahead of me.
We are a household of too much stuff, a place of chaos. Chaos that needed to be sorted before a landlord saw the firehazard that our home had become.
Our house had become a metaphor for the state of my mothers and my relationship–a pile of undealt with crap. My muscles are sore from hauling things and rearranging furniture.
But my mother and I have had a truce of sorts. The wear and tear of living in a foriegn country in constant poverty has weighed on us both. So we have at least agreed to try to get along. I am relieved that over the past couple of days there has been a reduction in awkward or angry silences. I missed her, I missed getting along with her. I know that I need to move out and live in my own space, so it would be good to leave on good terms.
I have a couple temporary gigs going, and I am crossing my fingers that I get this graphics/admin job that would go for the next couple months. Then I would finally have the money to fly to New Zealand and apply for my next visa. And thankfully be able to visit my boy. All in all I have a mild optimism. Like a film of sorts. My only sadness is that I really really miss my boy. It’s unbearable. Last time I saw him was October .

Must resolve to not eat weight in chocolate…

My mother got all this chocolate for Christmas. While she was away I tucked it into the fridge and was pretty good about not dipping into it.
However she put it on the kitchen table last night and now it stares at me wantonly as I pass to go to the bathroom. She has those Hawaiian chocolate covered macadamian ones that no human without a nut allergy can resist. I worry that she may find me laying on the floor in a diabetic coma my mouth rimmed in chocolate.
So I have had to keep myself busy to avoid temptation. Other than diligently applying to jobs I have been talking to my boy. He is so sweet. I know it’s all gushy and nerdy to say so but considering my last couple of posts it’s probably a welcome change. Talking to him makes me forget all that is going on. It makes me wish for a lottery win and for us to be able to escape to some place beautiful. I want to lay on a beach and have him tell me his weird weird stories, of which he has many. I love how much he makes me laugh. And even though things were tense around that article thing, I realized he was hurt because he loves me. He told me he loved me New Years Eve and I was bowled over, holding onto the wall for support. He’s the type to wait till he means it to really say it, and I guess it was a relief and a shock when he finally did.
But I can’t just depend on my man for happiness. I have a friend that tells me to visualize when I get in a sad/dark place. Visualize things being different and better. She thinks that when I was having issues with my mother, that it was my visualization that started her working and dating and got her out of the house. I wish I could take credit but all my visualizations were focused on lottery winnings. In my mind I had already procured and invested 30 million dollars.
Unfortunately I have never been that lucky. When I was younger I won a radio contest once. I got a bunch of Mountain Dew (yick) and a Bloodhound Gang CD. It’s as if god wanted to throw me a bone since he knew for the rest of my life I would be unlucky. I gave the Dew to my dad with the warning that it would make him impotent. However I feel like that is somehow biologically impossible for the men of my family.
So now at nights I close my eyes and try to meditate. Meditating is hard. I think about every blessed thing in the time I am supposed to spend focusing my mind. And once I get to the point where the noises in my head are a little quieter, and I am mostly focused on my breath, that is where I knock off to sleep.
My mom thinks what is missing in my life is spirituality. She has a book case that is weighed down with spirituality and self help books. She now is a Buddhist, regularly chanting and going to meetings. I think that is great if that’s her path. It seems to be benefiting her life immensely. I just don’t think it’s the path for me. I need to find my own overgrown path and begin my journey. I just don’t know where to start.

cracked out

We don’t have a coffee maker at our house, which I guess isn’t so abnormal since we don’t really drink coffee that often. It usually makes me tired and my piss smells funny after. This is important to no one except me.
Today I decided I needed to power through this job search with a surge of caffeine. So I used a fine mesh tea strainer and made myself two very strong cups of coffee. I ended up drinking some grounds. MMMM
Heh um my heart feels like it is going to explode now? Jesus Henrietta Christ was this caffeine thing a bad idea.
It’s sort of ironic in a way. Emo morbid denieal was doing research on different ways that people kill themselves earlier this week.
Apparently overdose on caffeine (usually by way of pills) is a method. This has got to be the stupidest idea ever. I feel like a crap sandwich and I have only had two cups of coffee. Had I taken an assload of caffeine as a means to an end I feel like I would be overcome with a clear and sharp sense of regret just before my heart exploded out of my chest.
I went to the doctor last week because I needed to be referred for new counseling services. I had the unfortunate luck of having to tell a very handsome stranger all the failings of my depressed brain. I had to answer all these questions about my state of mind. I could tell it was hard for him to contain his surprise. I could literally see him thinking “but she seemed so normal…”
I am what we in the business call chronically depressed. This would explain why the simplest things can send me into a tailspin of emotional crisis. Para Ejemplo– So yes I am still unemployed. I have applied diligently to jobs every day. I even applied to KFC (can I just say their application is more complicated than the application I filled out for grad school). I have applied to admin jobs, retail jobs, writing jobs, temp jobs…No bites, not a single interview and it’s been months that I have been doing this.
I have to come up with $2000 dollars to go to New Zealand so that I can get a Visa to stay here (unfortunately that is my only option to stay).
Without this visa I will probably end up overstaying (since I can’t afford to go back to the US). This would mean that I would be banned from the country for three years. This means I wouldn’t see my family or boyfriend for three years. And lets face it after 3 years he wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.
Since Ideally I would like to move to Melbourne, secure a job and settle near my boyfriend one can see how this is a very stressful time for me. It’s a stress I constantly carry. Every time I look at the polite rejection letters in my inbox I snuggle my failure cloak tighter around my shoulders.
This in essence is why I have been bad about blogging. I am an over-caffeinated killjoy.
My days are filled with me obsessively applying to jobs. My nights are filled with me sobbing dramatically into my pillow or writing depressing diatribes on failure. People keep telling me “this will all be great material for you one day.” I would like to spoon those people in the chest. Besides who wants to read a bunch of morose crap.
I am sick to death of my own self-indulgent sadness. I imagine everyone else must be as well.

atMy head feels funny

I feel like there is an abudance of Christmas partying with the Australian folk..Christmas parties that involve booze. As it is I am enjoying some champagne at my desk from our arvo shindig. Thing is I hate champagne. Sure it is somewhat delicious, but inevetably your head starts to regret the decision  to imbibe within ten minutes. This did not stop me. I am determined to work as little as possible today and my boss is determined to let me it seems.
So yes. Happy Christmas as the Aussies would say. I think I need to lay under my desk…

You’re really lovely you know that?

I went with one of my new Facebook friends to the LOTL Christmas party last night. I the anti-social party hater actually found myself having a great time.
And everyone that worked at LOTL was super sweet. I wish I could work there.
This being a vast improvement from the ‘whole world is opressing me’ week I have been having. I am tire d today and wishing for a nap, but for the most part decent. No panick attacks as of yet but my heart still is beating really fast at certain parts of the day. I don’t remember how long it took me to adjust to the meds last time, so perhaps I should go to the doctor.
Because we work on opposite schedules I still haven’t had a chance to chat with my mother. I hate the lack of resolution, but some things don’t resolve easily.
Yesterday there were a couple of mistakes with my paycheck that still haven’t been resolved. They wont pay me until the new year, which is shady but I just have to deal with it.

ch ch ch changes

nataliedee.com
so hyper-sensitive crying-all-the-time denieal is going to be replaced by ‘I don’t give a fuck denieal.” That’s right bitches no longer will you get the best of me! I am determined to be happy even if it does involve copious amounts of drinking! Ok it wont. I keep trying to maintain the alcoholism thing I am really just a pothead in my heart–with not pot.
Me and BF are talking again things are moving to a better place yada yada yada. I think with the fam I will just have to seem like the bad guy for the time being. I will not even get into the uncool developments that happened yesterday. It just seems somewhere along the line we just have to stop perpetuating discord. So I will just say that I love them and hope to find resolution.
I am at my second to last day of work–with no actual work, hence being on the internets. For the second time in a row I was not paid what I was supposed to be paid so I am hoping that gets resolved by the end of the day otherwise the face kickings will have to start.
Also though women are “blessed” with the gift of being able to bear children. Why oh why god could you have not made a more efficient system that doesn’t involve bleeding plus emotional insanity on a monthly basis? Yep I will pretty much end here in ponderance of that thought.

The many sides of the Denieal

I am trying to keep a handle on the crazy. I think that is why I have been blogging so much lately.  It has to get out somewhere.
So it doesn’t feel good to have my mom mad at me but I was in the wrong. She told me that it would suck if I wasn’t there for Christmas and pointed out it wouldn’t be good financially and other stuff. I stupidly interpreted it to mean that the problem was that I would be spending money on this when things were tight. The next day I told her I was still thinking of going for Christmas and it wasn’t until then that she let me know that it would upset her.  So then I told her I would change my plans, but the damage has been done. It was done the moment I even thought it would be ok to spend Christmas somewhere else.
There are a few things I wish had gone differently. 1. I wish my sister had talked to me before talking to my mother. 2. I wish my mother had said in our first conversation exactly how she felt.
Last night was one of those conversations where I started yelling to. It doesn’t happen that often but lately it has happened a lot more. I don’t like yelliing Denieal.
Anyway it all is one of those things that will heal with time.
Same with stuff with my partner I guess. Everything just needs time and space. And who knows maybe I have changed. Maybe everyone is right when they say “I don’t even know you anymore.” I know depression can transform people– make people to self-focused. But I have always been depressed so I don’t know if that is what has changed. At any rate I just have to make amends and work on being the best person I can be. It’s all I can do.

Forgive me for I have sinned

So I reread my horoscope (http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/monthly/aquarius_full.php). I check the Aquarius one now because it is my rising and more accurate for me. It says something about part of this month sucking so I really should have had a heads up. But nothing could prepare me for Ëveryone’s fucking pissed at you Denieal”week.
I think it is fair that if people are angry that they need time to work through stuff. Though it is hard to be the forgiven but not really forgiven party.
I had called my sister on Saturday and was like “Hey would you be upset if I didn’t do Christmas with you guys this year?” To which she responded Ït’s fine with me, but mom’s probably going to be upset.
I worked that day and when I got home my mother was asleep. I had planned to talk to her about it. When I was going to bed then she came to talk to me. We talked till 2:20 in the morning, covering all the disparate challenges in our communication over the past couple months.
My sister had called her after I talked to her, upset that I wouldn’t be joining for Christmas and also decided to tell her something that I had said to her in confidence. I feel like if someone has 1. heard something from someone else and 2. had the opportunity to sit on it the entire day, it makes the situation worse.
Christmas has never been a big deal to me, and the last Christmas was crap. Previous years Christmas’s I haven’t even spent with my family. I just didn’t register as a big deal.
Not only is it a big deal though, I have hurt everyone by even considering that it would be OK to go stay with my boyfriend for Christmas. My mom pointed out that this might be our last Christmas together. I didn’t really see it that way. And I am wrong for not seeing it that way. I guess I should have not entertained the idea of not being here.
For the most part I don’t know who is right or who is wrong in any of these situations. I just feel like even admitting to being wrong doesn’t get me anywhere.
Now I just keep getting so angry everyday that I have to wake up and face another way that I have hurt someone’s feelings. I feel like most days I am barely hanging on, yet in the meantime I still manage to get the pissing people off thing covered.
I don’t know where to go from here. My family is upset. My partner is upset and may not even want me to come down there (for New Years now not Christmas). In the meantime I have a panic attack pretty much daily and most days it’s all I can do to not sit crying at my desk.

I feel like crying

Well maybe the medication isn’t kicking in enough. Still having panic attacks. Still freaking out and obsessing over shit. Now I worry that my boyfriend is going to break up with me.

yay drugs?

For a while I had taken myself off the anti-depressents. Let myself off the leash so to speak. Thinking ‘I don’t need these everything is fine.’ And things were fine for a little while when the drugs were still finding their way out of my system.
But when they were all gone the panic attacks, anxiety and depression came back. I started thinking about death more than the usual amount, and even had a plan of how I was going to kill myself.
Well now I am back on, but not at my previous dose. Things are a lot better, but not healed exactly.
As of late I wonder about my level of crazy. Is the level of discord I feel with my partner manufactured in my insane head or are there some issues that need healing. Do I not really know how to be with a man emotionally? Am I too crazy to be with anyone? I still carry all this guilt about the column I wrote. My perception of gender and sexuality is so fluid/queer I didn’t see referring to my boyfriend as a lesbian as insulting. I also thought it was a given that there were things that one would share with their lesbian friends that they might not be able to with their male partners. I see now how it all was hurtful. I am just feeling disjointed confused and sad, and well this week is my last week of therapy. I don’t know what to do, how to feel. I love my partner and don’t want to lose him.

Perhaps I am just a ruiner

It is the full moon and both my Aquarius and Scorpio horoscope pretty much told me that today would be a horrible day and basically I shouldn’t bother leaving the house. It wasn’t my sign specific, there is supposed to be “turbulence” for everyone.
So I think to myself “denieal you are going to have a good day regardless.”

So I get to work and around eleven my entire office leaves to go on a boat cruise Christmas party. I am a temp and so one would have had to RSVP before I even started. And though the other temps went, they were there longer. Yet it still is a little frustrating to be alone in an office all day while your co-workers are eating lobster on a boat. My only consolation is that it pissed down rain all day so the last place I would want to be is a boat in this weather.

Thing two to put a wrench in my plan of good day. The boy expressed frustration about my latest column which hurt his feelings. I reread it and realized his point. Though it wasn’t my intention, again I have manged to be an asshole through my writing. I intended to be like “my boy is really awesome and I am really comfortable with him”however what came out was “basically a lesbian.” I guess I seemed flippant about how important he is to me through out the column.

I can’t get it off my mind. Though he doesn’t read this blog I publicly apologize here and I will attempt to do the same in my next column.

What else…ugh I got fired from T2. My only able to work on the weekends thing didn’t work for them and for good measure my supervisor (who knew why I was fired from maxxx black) threw in a “ÿou could be bubblier.” I was crestfallen for days thinking I so fucking tired of losing and being on this planet. Then I thought to myself if I were as irritatingly fake and bubbly as she is to customers I really would have cause to want to kill myself.
But I think I am just in a grumble because it’s the holidays and I am unemployed and can’t afford to go see my boyfriend.

ha!

I totally got ’sacked’ as the aussies would say from my sex shop job yesterday. it is for the best though since i just started doing media work for my school finance department. still getting sacked is like getting dumped. And my dumping was the kind where the other person knows for a long time they are over you, they just don’t have the balls to bring it up first.

In this case I found out from someone else. My boss from my other job came to visit me and was told by my coworker that I don’t work there anymore. So yeah I asked my bosses about it and was given my walking papers so to speak.

I guess i have to factor in that I need to sleep, so really screw them I don’t have time for their pinche job. they said i failed to be bubbly and outgoing enough for the sex toy parties they wanted to have. I agree. though i am enthusiastic about sex and all it’s accessories i am not going to act like i work at walmart just so someone will buy a vibrator. besides the things basically sell themselves.

that’s all for now. I am tired. Been a little anemic lately and losing too much blood again.

It’s high time I knocked a bit of the dust off this blog…

It has been so long that I am feeling the need to condense what has happened into a series of bullet points.

**I just finished my last assignments for school–thank god. It was under the current of schoolwork and work that I have dissapeared into, but I am optimistic that soon I will be able to dedicate more time to blogging and just writing in general. I am just now able to finally come up for a breath. So friends, especially US ones, I’m sorry I have dissappeared but it should be better now.

**Having said that I do have three jobs now–hoping to eventually be able to do fancy things like pay my rent. I work as a sales assistant at a boutique tea shop, as a pa and most recently as a sales assistant working the late shift (till 2 am) at a sex shop. I haven’t had many shifts at the sex shop, but I am sure I will have more to report soon.

** Mom is doing okay. It’s back and forth with her. Sometimes she is really great, sometimes she has seizures daily and I worry about her. Lately though she has gotten a job and so things are defininitely looking up.

**Things are good with my boy. He came up recently to visit and I hope to eventually be able to afford to visit him is Melb. He has constantly been nothing but lovely, which has been great. And sort of surreal considering how many troubled interactions I have had in the past.

That’s the long and short of it for now. More to come hopefully.

the latest work in progress

Without proper nutrients things tend to die

I’m halved–
laughing until I spit and sputter.
Slip dress and a bottle of scotch
a black and blue drip.

I write self-indulgent stories,
and drunken texts.
Tasting salt

Is everything ok with you?
Shit shit shit
Too much spilling.
I’m tucking entrails in.
Must find a proper adhesive.

You’re typed lines and organic animal friendly product.
I’m dirty fingernails and ripped pieces of paper.

I want to fold our distance like a map,
show up with my life in order
Pay for my own coffee…

But I have this bag here that’s bursting at the seams
and no where to check it in.

I’m such an abandoner…

I kept thinking I would write my next post when things started to improve in my life. Like there would be some miraculous shift and all of a sudden I would be able to report on how the shit became fertilizer and therin roses grew. But nope still super busy with school, work etc., still having awkward tension with my mother, and still cannot make ends meet. Been feeling especially loserly like I literally cannot afford to take the train to work on Tuesday, don’t know what I’m gonna do about that. I mean shit I don’t even have five bucks for the train…

I am trying. I am searching for a proper job daily, while doing all my work for my program that is ending in three weeks. I am constantly busy with barely any time to relax yet it is not turning into money and I am fucking frustrated. My mom says “don’t try just do.” And she is right I need to get my fucking act together I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel overwhelmed, depressed and fucking scared honestly. So yeah…that is why I haven’t posted to this blog lately.

I always feel like somebody’s watching me…

Blogs are such a strange medium. I always think that because my readership is so low that I can say anything I want. That is of course unless I talk about Brazilian waxing, black girls with thick booties, anal or any number of topics that send my stats skyrocketing and droves of horny people to be dissapointed by my very unsexy blog. For the most part, like I always say, this is my journal.

Admittedly, I have felt stumped lately as to how to proceed. My mother found out from a friend some of the things that I had said about her on this blog. It was only the most recent posts that were cause for concern, considering most things I have said about her in the past I had read to her.  I was working through some emotions about our situation and was representing things as I see them.

It became this big ugly conversation, and I can’t really say that it is entirely resolved. But out of that for a while I just didn’t feel like I could write about what is happening in my life anymore.  The things is about writing is it changes the moment you’re done doing it. All the passion and emotion you feel in a particular situation can really charge things that you write. Later you could approach that same writing feeling differently.

I am not sure what I am saying. I guess I am saying I am going to try to go back to posting regularily on this blog. Of course it is a constant lesson of mine to be careful how I talk about my loved ones especially since they don’t have an opportunity to speak for themselves.

no time to blog…

but here is my latest review.

Check out my recently published stuff…

I forgot to mention the lastest LOTL column is out.