I am an Al Green song. Even though between the internet and the people I meet when I venture out of the house there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of people interested in me. Some British guy sent me a message about his desire to smell my feet. Troubling yes, but somewhat flattering nonetheless. This guy I was supposed to go on a date with earlier this year emailed me recently out of the blue. We had met on RSVP and I canceled the date partly because he was coming on a little too strong for me and making me nervous, and partly because I had met someone else. So here it is a couple months down the line and I have been asked out again. Yet for some reason two things keep happening 1. I insist on feeling that I am unlovable 2. I persist with the view that I will be single forever and will die a bachlorette.
This all reached a dramatic apex last night when I decided to do a Tarot reading with my mother and sister last night. I asked a general question about love and relationships and when I would actually again have the opportunity to be made miserable by another person. In a nutshell the Tarot said a relationship isn’t happening for me. I have to do soul searching, find my stillness, focus on school blah blah blah blah blah.
To which I was like fucking hell! It is one thing to feel like it is taking forever for you to get the relationship part of your life sorted, it’s another thing entirely to get the message ’stop trying it’s not going to happen.’
So with my penchant for dramatic despair I decided to add this to my list of failures. I am going to go ahead and be extra vulnerable on this post and point out that I spent at least an hour sobbing into my pillow last night as well as part of today. The list of failures is as follows 1. I am 27 and living with my mother ( I conveniently edit out the fact that I chose to have her live with me so I could support her through cancer) 2. Perceived failure at school. I think because I am not a perfect student I think that I am a loser despite the fact that I get decent grades. I constantly compare myself to others and in my estimation everyone else is a smarter more talented writer. 3. Next the big one BROKENESS. This isn’t the first time in my life I have been broke. In fact I can’t think of many times in my life when I have not been. But without a consistent income currently things are suffocatingly tight. I couldn’t even afford to take the train last week and though there are a couple things on the horizon, for the most part finances have been bleak. I can’t help but feel like giving up when I can’t even afford to buy myself a cup of coffee. I don’t care what anyone says; being poor, having to ask people for help, staying home because you can’t afford to do anything, lying to people about why you can’t do certain things…dissolves your self esteem. 4. Of course there is the constant worry I have over my mothers health with the extra added bonus of having absolutely nothing set up if anything were to happen to her. Plus then I feel guilty for not taking care of her properly. 5. And if none of those things are enough for me I like to toss in a little bit of insecurity about my appearance and lament not being a size 6 ignoring my 65 lb. weight loss. 6. Lastly of course the failure of not being in a relationship, which I translate in my mind to being a complete loser who spends too much time on the internet and will soon be the female equivalent to those nerdy fat guys in dirty wife beaters beating off in front of their computers while chatting to some girl who thinks they look like Johnny Depp. My sister is getting me a cat in a couple weeks and I imagine slowly adding more to the collection. I wouldn’t be a typical cat lady though because I would want to have some unruly addiction like Opium of Quaaludes for me and the cats just to keep things fresh.
I am starting to come out of last nights dark cloud, but admittedly I have been no joy to be around today. Mostly I can’t stop crying and don’t know how to feel better. It is also very important to note that I have had to go down in my medication because I can’t afford to maintain my previous dose. So yay on me feeling unstable and insane. And then sharing it with others… But hey all I need to do is think positive and turn my frown upside down and then all my problems will be solved right?
