I am an Al Green song. Even though between the internet and the people I meet when I venture out of the house there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of people interested in me. Some British guy sent me a message about his desire to smell my feet. Troubling yes, but somewhat flattering nonetheless. This guy I was supposed to go on a date with earlier this year emailed me recently out of the blue. We had met on RSVP and I canceled the date partly because he was coming on a little too strong for me and making me nervous, and partly because I had met someone else. So here it is a couple months down the line and I have been asked out again. Yet for some reason two things keep happening 1. I insist on feeling that I am unlovable 2. I persist with the view that I will be single forever and will die a bachlorette.
This all reached a dramatic apex last night when I decided to do a Tarot reading with my mother and sister last night. I asked a general question about love and relationships and when I would actually again have the opportunity to be made miserable by another person. In a nutshell the Tarot said a relationship isn’t happening for me. I have to do soul searching, find my stillness, focus on school blah blah blah blah blah.
To which I was like fucking hell! It is one thing to feel like it is taking forever for you to get the relationship part of your life sorted, it’s another thing entirely to get the message ’stop trying it’s not going to happen.’
So with my penchant for dramatic despair I decided to add this to my list of failures. I am going to go ahead and be extra vulnerable on this post and point out that I spent at least an hour sobbing into my pillow last night as well as part of today. The list of failures is as follows 1. I am 27 and living with my mother ( I conveniently edit out the fact that I chose to have her live with me so I could support her through cancer) 2. Perceived failure at school. I think because I am not a perfect student I think that I am a loser despite the fact that I get decent grades. I constantly compare myself to others and in my estimation everyone else is a smarter more talented writer. 3. Next the big one BROKENESS. This isn’t the first time in my life I have been broke. In fact I can’t think of many times in my life when I have not been. But without a consistent income currently things are suffocatingly tight. I couldn’t even afford to take the train last week and though there are a couple things on the horizon, for the most part finances have been bleak. I can’t help but feel like giving up when I can’t even afford to buy myself a cup of coffee. I don’t care what anyone says; being poor, having to ask people for help, staying home because you can’t afford to do anything, lying to people about why you can’t do certain things…dissolves your self esteem. 4. Of course there is the constant worry I have over my mothers health with the extra added bonus of having absolutely nothing set up if anything were to happen to her. Plus then I feel guilty for not taking care of her properly. 5. And if none of those things are enough for me I like to toss in a little bit of insecurity about my appearance and lament not being a size 6 ignoring my 65 lb. weight loss. 6. Lastly of course the failure of not being in a relationship, which I translate in my mind to being a complete loser who spends too much time on the internet and will soon be the female equivalent to those nerdy fat guys in dirty wife beaters beating off in front of their computers while chatting to some girl who thinks they look like Johnny Depp. My sister is getting me a cat in a couple weeks and I imagine slowly adding more to the collection. I wouldn’t be a typical cat lady though because I would want to have some unruly addiction like Opium of Quaaludes for me and the cats just to keep things fresh.
I am starting to come out of last nights dark cloud, but admittedly I have been no joy to be around today. Mostly I can’t stop crying and don’t know how to feel better. It is also very important to note that I have had to go down in my medication because I can’t afford to maintain my previous dose. So yay on me feeling unstable and insane. And then sharing it with others… But hey all I need to do is think positive and turn my frown upside down and then all my problems will be solved right?
9 responses so far ↓
clarissa // July 20, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Oh dear! Dirt & Glitter is such an apt title. You glitter. You sparkle. I don’t even know you and I can tell because through your words you do. But you cover your sparkle up with dirt, don’t you? My mom used to tell me the same about myself: that she worried so much for me because I was so great — everyone recognised it, except me — I insisted in covering myself in shit. That’s what she said, my mom, who doesn’t curse, told me I cover myself in shit. It’s a hard thing to translat that knowing in your head that you are kicking ass to feeling it in your gutt. Hugs.
dirtandglitter // July 20, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Oh man how right you are. I appreciate your perspective, and you are right. I am my own worst critic. Though my mom is like your mom (well except she curses like a sailor) luckily and she is making me be less of a jerk to myself. You are very observant, I never thought of how appropriate the blog title is, I just called it that after a poetry collection I wrote last year.
dirtandglitter // July 20, 2008 at 1:41 pm
By the way you’re great and your blog is great
dysfunctionalscream // July 20, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Ok, so it’s affirmation time here girl. Got a few comments to make LOL
1) You are a strong, intelligent, attractive and cool chick. Sure you are your own worst critic – maybe that comes from bumps in the road of life, maybe from being a writer – trying to preempt the criticisms so when they happen it will be nothing you haven’t already said to yourself. I know this, I can be the same sometimes in criticising myself. But just remember how awesome you really are!
2) Tarot readings are best left to others – if you do one yourself or someone close to you does, then what comes back is often a bit dicey. Don’t believe your own readings because that can make them self-fulfilling prophecy.
3) The fact that you live with your mother and all that is going on there says a lot about your kindness, your loyalty, your sense of family and your heart.
4) You did better than me at school this semester, If you’re a failure what’s that make me? LOL
5) Brokeness is never easy. Ring me sometime, we’ll figure out some things to do on the cheap or do something that doesn’t cost, organise to sit around with others listening to music and chatting, etc
6) Cats are cool
7) You gotta wonder about a guy who’ll keep your number for months then ring you outta the blue.
Ok me done
Ly // July 20, 2008 at 4:35 pm
wow, thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts even if they aren’t pretty, its hard to do, i barely say how i truly feel about myself to my therapist. I’m right there with you, how to turn negative thoughts to positive ones, because i’m slowly see that my unhappiness is my own doing. I’m working really hard to develop my own inner cheerleader who will replace that voice that is always listing all the negative things about me, my inner cheerleader will support me and validate the choices i make. its been slow going but getting better everyday because i’m mindfully staying awake to my own mental suffering. a tool i use is at the end of the day i list 5 things i’m grateful for that occurred that day, so for example yesterday 1) did laundry and had clean smelling clothes to wear, 2) went to yoga class and worked out my body stress 3) indulged myself and read a manga magazine 4) made yummy lunch and shared it with my partner 5) got to talk to my sis on the phone. I know these are really simple ordinary things, but they made my day nice and I think thats the point in starting to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. anyways i think your brave for wanting to deal with your own shit and be awake to life, however you get to your center is the way that you chose and it will be the right way for you. sorry for sounding to hippie dippie
love yous
dirtandglitter // July 21, 2008 at 11:38 am
Haha I love you A. and Ly. You both are right. Here is what my mother had to say about the whole thing (this will go way into the hippy dippy realm). I have through out my life not dealt with my emotions properly and I actually physically store them in my body. So sometimes something physical will happen like a massage, strenuous exercise etc. and a memory or an issue that needs to be dealt with comes up. So instead of isolating myself and becoming overwhelmed by emotion, I really should be getting at the heart of the issues and figuring out where they come from. It sounds strange but it’s true. What I didn’t mention is I was doing back breaking work all weekend (we re landscaped the whole front of the house). I was sore from head to toe and basically all my muscles were engaged at some point so I thing that potentially may have triggered some emotions stored in my body. In addition I just need to move past this unhealthy obsession with having a boyfriend. At some point through growing up with my father I saw that he dealt with hard times by having lots of girlfriends. But really the last thing I need right now is a boyfriend. It would really only complicate things. And it is really clear that I need to make significant strides towards liking myself let alone loving myself, so it is probably best that I not meet anyone now anyway. (Is all that hippy enough for you). But yeah today I did feel better and I did try to focus on things I am grateful for. One would be the young Australian kids rapping fresh prince of bell air on the train the other would be the Asian man decked out in a full on eighties black leather outfit, who I saw on my way to work. But mostly I am grateful for supportive friends that see past my craziness and love me anyways. Ok so I will stop writing before this gets too cheesy.
peace out
baxter
dirtandglitter // July 21, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Oh by the way A yes I want to hang out and do fun cheap things. And also you did fab this semester I am just neurotic and dont entirely understand the grading system here. And the tarot reading was prob correct my mother is very good at them I just really need to not overdramatize what that means.
kelsi // July 21, 2008 at 3:40 pm
oh, lovely, lovely girl… this is such a hard place to be in! i know it so well, and seriously, there’s no advice that works. sadly, you just have to sit in the muck and work through it and the only way to clean off the dirt is that slow, challenging process of acknowledging it and finally moving on. romantic partners are definitely not the way to do that.
but i do know that i firmly, deeply believe that what you just wrote about having alone time and learning to love yourself is MAJORLY important. if we don’t love ourselves, it’s really impossible to love someone else.
and you’re too wonderful to not learn how to like and love yourself.
dysfunctionalscream // July 22, 2008 at 6:51 am
Yah, me still thinks your Ma too close to do a reading. Those really into tarot don’t read for the ones closest to them. That’s not because they are afraid of what they’ll see, but more cause of the reading will likely be wrong due to proximity.
I know my father (curse him) was always brilliant with tarot. Once he read for his cousin, told her she’d have a short hard life and die in her 30’s among other things. She did. It was all true, my father put down the cards for a decade or two after that.
He tried to read for me some years back, came huffing and puffing into the bar where I worked. This must’ve been about 2001. He was worried because he’d seen that I would die within 2 years at the hands of a young man. Even pinpointed a colleague he thought would be the one. I went off at him cause he knows not to read for those close to him as I was at the time.
Well that colleague only lasted another month in the job and I never seen him again. Here it is 7 years later and I’m still alive and kicking too.
So yah – just thought I’d share that, LOL