I spent the better part of last semester feeling aggro about the whole idea of therapy and my need to go on a weekly basis. Strangely enough all of a sudden recently it started impacting my life in a positive way. I will not go so far as to say crazy things like it is enjoyable or dramatically life changing, but I will have to say that it is helpful.
So here is the recent issue. I think that I have mentioned before that life with my mother is glorious, yet somewhat of a challenge. I think that it’s because while I am rapidly speeding towards twenty eight, in the context of this house I am pretty much still 17 (as I have said before). I don’t really feel like I have any privacy and today I came home and she had re cleaned my already clean room, a petty thing to be irritated about, but I was irritated. I feel like often she is most comfortable as a mother telling me and my siblings how we should live our lives. I realized (through the miracle of therapy) on some subconscious level I worried that if I didn’t agree with or do most if not all of what my mother says for me to do, that I felt like I would lose her love in some way. This is irrational and I know on a conscious level this is not true. This I think comes from the fact that the first time I differentiated from my father I was labeled as crazy and pretty much disowned. But the issue at hand is that I am contributing to my own adolescent-like relationship with my mother by not standing up for myself.
Here is an example in concrete terms. I mentioned before the Tarot session where the cards supposedly according to my mother foretold that I wasn’t going to be in a relationship. That whole incident launched into a big debate between me and my mother where she feels like me being in a relationship would make me lose focus, that it’s too much a of a big priority in my life, I need to learn to love myself etc…At first I agreed and proceeded to put all thoughts of a relationship on the back burner. Then I realized I am not losing focus by dating. I still get good grades, have a successful social life etc. And while everyday is not a picnic for me (as regular readers of this blog know) I have been making a lot of loving decisions for myself (losing weight, taking anti depressants, going to therapy, spending time with friends, working towards spiritual growth…). So what the therapist kind of zoned in on are a couple of things 1. at this age regardless of my mothers perspective I should be able to make my own decisions without feeling guilty or worrying about being judged. 2. Though my mother has sage advice and is a good guide, I should also be able to stand up for myself and not feel like I should do everything she says and 3. Perhaps the issue isn’t that I would lose focus on my studies or my self growth, but perhaps the concern is that I wont be here spending time with her. 4. As a grown person not only should I be free to make my own decisions and mistakes, I shouldn’t feel like I need to justify or explain myself…
So I am working through this and figuring it all out. Differentiating and trying to find a balance with my mother. This all comes up because I am in my room waiting to talk to her about some drama we have been having as of yesterday–unnecessary drama I might add…But I don’t think anyone is without challenges with their mother.
I am just trying to find balance, school, finding more work, spending quality time with family–especially my mamma and yes probably dating. No dating still isn’t my number one priority, but I am chatting to someone I really like right now and I feel ok about doing so. If it works out great, if it doesn’t work out hey there is no manual on these sorts of things you just have to live your life experience by experience and take lessons away from each one.
