yay drugs?

For a while I had taken myself off the anti-depressents. Let myself off the leash so to speak. Thinking ‘I don’t need these everything is fine.’ And things were fine for a little while when the drugs were still finding their way out of my system.
But when they were all gone the panic attacks, anxiety and depression came back. I started thinking about death more than the usual amount, and even had a plan of how I was going to kill myself.
Well now I am back on, but not at my previous dose. Things are a lot better, but not healed exactly.
As of late I wonder about my level of crazy. Is the level of discord I feel with my partner manufactured in my insane head or are there some issues that need healing. Do I not really know how to be with a man emotionally? Am I too crazy to be with anyone? I still carry all this guilt about the column I wrote. My perception of gender and sexuality is so fluid/queer I didn’t see referring to my boyfriend as a lesbian as insulting. I also thought it was a given that there were things that one would share with their lesbian friends that they might not be able to with their male partners. I see now how it all was hurtful. I am just feeling disjointed confused and sad, and well this week is my last week of therapy. I don’t know what to do, how to feel. I love my partner and don’t want to lose him.