The many sides of the Denieal

I am trying to keep a handle on the crazy. I think that is why I have been blogging so much lately.  It has to get out somewhere.
So it doesn’t feel good to have my mom mad at me but I was in the wrong. She told me that it would suck if I wasn’t there for Christmas and pointed out it wouldn’t be good financially and other stuff. I stupidly interpreted it to mean that the problem was that I would be spending money on this when things were tight. The next day I told her I was still thinking of going for Christmas and it wasn’t until then that she let me know that it would upset her.  So then I told her I would change my plans, but the damage has been done. It was done the moment I even thought it would be ok to spend Christmas somewhere else.
There are a few things I wish had gone differently. 1. I wish my sister had talked to me before talking to my mother. 2. I wish my mother had said in our first conversation exactly how she felt.
Last night was one of those conversations where I started yelling to. It doesn’t happen that often but lately it has happened a lot more. I don’t like yelliing Denieal.
Anyway it all is one of those things that will heal with time.
Same with stuff with my partner I guess. Everything just needs time and space. And who knows maybe I have changed. Maybe everyone is right when they say “I don’t even know you anymore.” I know depression can transform people– make people to self-focused. But I have always been depressed so I don’t know if that is what has changed. At any rate I just have to make amends and work on being the best person I can be. It’s all I can do.

Forgive me for I have sinned

So I reread my horoscope (http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/monthly/aquarius_full.php). I check the Aquarius one now because it is my rising and more accurate for me. It says something about part of this month sucking so I really should have had a heads up. But nothing could prepare me for Ëveryone’s fucking pissed at you Denieal”week.
I think it is fair that if people are angry that they need time to work through stuff. Though it is hard to be the forgiven but not really forgiven party.
I had called my sister on Saturday and was like “Hey would you be upset if I didn’t do Christmas with you guys this year?” To which she responded Ït’s fine with me, but mom’s probably going to be upset.
I worked that day and when I got home my mother was asleep. I had planned to talk to her about it. When I was going to bed then she came to talk to me. We talked till 2:20 in the morning, covering all the disparate challenges in our communication over the past couple months.
My sister had called her after I talked to her, upset that I wouldn’t be joining for Christmas and also decided to tell her something that I had said to her in confidence. I feel like if someone has 1. heard something from someone else and 2. had the opportunity to sit on it the entire day, it makes the situation worse.
Christmas has never been a big deal to me, and the last Christmas was crap. Previous years Christmas’s I haven’t even spent with my family. I just didn’t register as a big deal.
Not only is it a big deal though, I have hurt everyone by even considering that it would be OK to go stay with my boyfriend for Christmas. My mom pointed out that this might be our last Christmas together. I didn’t really see it that way. And I am wrong for not seeing it that way. I guess I should have not entertained the idea of not being here.
For the most part I don’t know who is right or who is wrong in any of these situations. I just feel like even admitting to being wrong doesn’t get me anywhere.
Now I just keep getting so angry everyday that I have to wake up and face another way that I have hurt someone’s feelings. I feel like most days I am barely hanging on, yet in the meantime I still manage to get the pissing people off thing covered.
I don’t know where to go from here. My family is upset. My partner is upset and may not even want me to come down there (for New Years now not Christmas). In the meantime I have a panic attack pretty much daily and most days it’s all I can do to not sit crying at my desk.

I feel like crying

Well maybe the medication isn’t kicking in enough. Still having panic attacks. Still freaking out and obsessing over shit. Now I worry that my boyfriend is going to break up with me.