The many sides of the Denieal

I am trying to keep a handle on the crazy. I think that is why I have been blogging so much lately.  It has to get out somewhere.
So it doesn’t feel good to have my mom mad at me but I was in the wrong. She told me that it would suck if I wasn’t there for Christmas and pointed out it wouldn’t be good financially and other stuff. I stupidly interpreted it to mean that the problem was that I would be spending money on this when things were tight. The next day I told her I was still thinking of going for Christmas and it wasn’t until then that she let me know that it would upset her.  So then I told her I would change my plans, but the damage has been done. It was done the moment I even thought it would be ok to spend Christmas somewhere else.
There are a few things I wish had gone differently. 1. I wish my sister had talked to me before talking to my mother. 2. I wish my mother had said in our first conversation exactly how she felt.
Last night was one of those conversations where I started yelling to. It doesn’t happen that often but lately it has happened a lot more. I don’t like yelliing Denieal.
Anyway it all is one of those things that will heal with time.
Same with stuff with my partner I guess. Everything just needs time and space. And who knows maybe I have changed. Maybe everyone is right when they say “I don’t even know you anymore.” I know depression can transform people– make people to self-focused. But I have always been depressed so I don’t know if that is what has changed. At any rate I just have to make amends and work on being the best person I can be. It’s all I can do.