so so

My job for this week is to direct people around the university for enrollment day. Why there is no online enrollment completely baffles me. This whole week is dedicated to enrollment. The non stop mist of rain may have deterred some people from venturing out. I have had only a few individuals ask me for directions. The majority of the time I just sit in the rain reading or chatting with the person I was paired up with. Now I am on another break.
I feel like things in my life are ok today, which is a start. I began my weekend infuriated because we were set to have a house inspection this week. My mom has multiple projects happening at once which she doesn’t have the time or energy to get to. The result was a growing junk pile outside of our house. I felt abandoned to the mess as she wasn’t home and I found my self with a gargantuan task ahead of me.
We are a household of too much stuff, a place of chaos. Chaos that needed to be sorted before a landlord saw the firehazard that our home had become.
Our house had become a metaphor for the state of my mothers and my relationship–a pile of undealt with crap. My muscles are sore from hauling things and rearranging furniture.
But my mother and I have had a truce of sorts. The wear and tear of living in a foriegn country in constant poverty has weighed on us both. So we have at least agreed to try to get along. I am relieved that over the past couple of days there has been a reduction in awkward or angry silences. I missed her, I missed getting along with her. I know that I need to move out and live in my own space, so it would be good to leave on good terms.
I have a couple temporary gigs going, and I am crossing my fingers that I get this graphics/admin job that would go for the next couple months. Then I would finally have the money to fly to New Zealand and apply for my next visa. And thankfully be able to visit my boy. All in all I have a mild optimism. Like a film of sorts. My only sadness is that I really really miss my boy. It’s unbearable. Last time I saw him was October .

Must resolve to not eat weight in chocolate…

My mother got all this chocolate for Christmas. While she was away I tucked it into the fridge and was pretty good about not dipping into it.
However she put it on the kitchen table last night and now it stares at me wantonly as I pass to go to the bathroom. She has those Hawaiian chocolate covered macadamian ones that no human without a nut allergy can resist. I worry that she may find me laying on the floor in a diabetic coma my mouth rimmed in chocolate.
So I have had to keep myself busy to avoid temptation. Other than diligently applying to jobs I have been talking to my boy. He is so sweet. I know it’s all gushy and nerdy to say so but considering my last couple of posts it’s probably a welcome change. Talking to him makes me forget all that is going on. It makes me wish for a lottery win and for us to be able to escape to some place beautiful. I want to lay on a beach and have him tell me his weird weird stories, of which he has many. I love how much he makes me laugh. And even though things were tense around that article thing, I realized he was hurt because he loves me. He told me he loved me New Years Eve and I was bowled over, holding onto the wall for support. He’s the type to wait till he means it to really say it, and I guess it was a relief and a shock when he finally did.
But I can’t just depend on my man for happiness. I have a friend that tells me to visualize when I get in a sad/dark place. Visualize things being different and better. She thinks that when I was having issues with my mother, that it was my visualization that started her working and dating and got her out of the house. I wish I could take credit but all my visualizations were focused on lottery winnings. In my mind I had already procured and invested 30 million dollars.
Unfortunately I have never been that lucky. When I was younger I won a radio contest once. I got a bunch of Mountain Dew (yick) and a Bloodhound Gang CD. It’s as if god wanted to throw me a bone since he knew for the rest of my life I would be unlucky. I gave the Dew to my dad with the warning that it would make him impotent. However I feel like that is somehow biologically impossible for the men of my family.
So now at nights I close my eyes and try to meditate. Meditating is hard. I think about every blessed thing in the time I am supposed to spend focusing my mind. And once I get to the point where the noises in my head are a little quieter, and I am mostly focused on my breath, that is where I knock off to sleep.
My mom thinks what is missing in my life is spirituality. She has a book case that is weighed down with spirituality and self help books. She now is a Buddhist, regularly chanting and going to meetings. I think that is great if that’s her path. It seems to be benefiting her life immensely. I just don’t think it’s the path for me. I need to find my own overgrown path and begin my journey. I just don’t know where to start.

cracked out

We don’t have a coffee maker at our house, which I guess isn’t so abnormal since we don’t really drink coffee that often. It usually makes me tired and my piss smells funny after. This is important to no one except me.
Today I decided I needed to power through this job search with a surge of caffeine. So I used a fine mesh tea strainer and made myself two very strong cups of coffee. I ended up drinking some grounds. MMMM
Heh um my heart feels like it is going to explode now? Jesus Henrietta Christ was this caffeine thing a bad idea.
It’s sort of ironic in a way. Emo morbid denieal was doing research on different ways that people kill themselves earlier this week.
Apparently overdose on caffeine (usually by way of pills) is a method. This has got to be the stupidest idea ever. I feel like a crap sandwich and I have only had two cups of coffee. Had I taken an assload of caffeine as a means to an end I feel like I would be overcome with a clear and sharp sense of regret just before my heart exploded out of my chest.
I went to the doctor last week because I needed to be referred for new counseling services. I had the unfortunate luck of having to tell a very handsome stranger all the failings of my depressed brain. I had to answer all these questions about my state of mind. I could tell it was hard for him to contain his surprise. I could literally see him thinking “but she seemed so normal…”
I am what we in the business call chronically depressed. This would explain why the simplest things can send me into a tailspin of emotional crisis. Para Ejemplo– So yes I am still unemployed. I have applied diligently to jobs every day. I even applied to KFC (can I just say their application is more complicated than the application I filled out for grad school). I have applied to admin jobs, retail jobs, writing jobs, temp jobs…No bites, not a single interview and it’s been months that I have been doing this.
I have to come up with $2000 dollars to go to New Zealand so that I can get a Visa to stay here (unfortunately that is my only option to stay).
Without this visa I will probably end up overstaying (since I can’t afford to go back to the US). This would mean that I would be banned from the country for three years. This means I wouldn’t see my family or boyfriend for three years. And lets face it after 3 years he wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.
Since Ideally I would like to move to Melbourne, secure a job and settle near my boyfriend one can see how this is a very stressful time for me. It’s a stress I constantly carry. Every time I look at the polite rejection letters in my inbox I snuggle my failure cloak tighter around my shoulders.
This in essence is why I have been bad about blogging. I am an over-caffeinated killjoy.
My days are filled with me obsessively applying to jobs. My nights are filled with me sobbing dramatically into my pillow or writing depressing diatribes on failure. People keep telling me “this will all be great material for you one day.” I would like to spoon those people in the chest. Besides who wants to read a bunch of morose crap.
I am sick to death of my own self-indulgent sadness. I imagine everyone else must be as well.