cracked out

We don’t have a coffee maker at our house, which I guess isn’t so abnormal since we don’t really drink coffee that often. It usually makes me tired and my piss smells funny after. This is important to no one except me.
Today I decided I needed to power through this job search with a surge of caffeine. So I used a fine mesh tea strainer and made myself two very strong cups of coffee. I ended up drinking some grounds. MMMM
Heh um my heart feels like it is going to explode now? Jesus Henrietta Christ was this caffeine thing a bad idea.
It’s sort of ironic in a way. Emo morbid denieal was doing research on different ways that people kill themselves earlier this week.
Apparently overdose on caffeine (usually by way of pills) is a method. This has got to be the stupidest idea ever. I feel like a crap sandwich and I have only had two cups of coffee. Had I taken an assload of caffeine as a means to an end I feel like I would be overcome with a clear and sharp sense of regret just before my heart exploded out of my chest.
I went to the doctor last week because I needed to be referred for new counseling services. I had the unfortunate luck of having to tell a very handsome stranger all the failings of my depressed brain. I had to answer all these questions about my state of mind. I could tell it was hard for him to contain his surprise. I could literally see him thinking “but she seemed so normal…”
I am what we in the business call chronically depressed. This would explain why the simplest things can send me into a tailspin of emotional crisis. Para Ejemplo– So yes I am still unemployed. I have applied diligently to jobs every day. I even applied to KFC (can I just say their application is more complicated than the application I filled out for grad school). I have applied to admin jobs, retail jobs, writing jobs, temp jobs…No bites, not a single interview and it’s been months that I have been doing this.
I have to come up with $2000 dollars to go to New Zealand so that I can get a Visa to stay here (unfortunately that is my only option to stay).
Without this visa I will probably end up overstaying (since I can’t afford to go back to the US). This would mean that I would be banned from the country for three years. This means I wouldn’t see my family or boyfriend for three years. And lets face it after 3 years he wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.
Since Ideally I would like to move to Melbourne, secure a job and settle near my boyfriend one can see how this is a very stressful time for me. It’s a stress I constantly carry. Every time I look at the polite rejection letters in my inbox I snuggle my failure cloak tighter around my shoulders.
This in essence is why I have been bad about blogging. I am an over-caffeinated killjoy.
My days are filled with me obsessively applying to jobs. My nights are filled with me sobbing dramatically into my pillow or writing depressing diatribes on failure. People keep telling me “this will all be great material for you one day.” I would like to spoon those people in the chest. Besides who wants to read a bunch of morose crap.
I am sick to death of my own self-indulgent sadness. I imagine everyone else must be as well.