I am going to resist the urge to apologize for my long abandonment of this blog. My only excuses being that I have been extremely busy, pretty tired since I ceased taking my anti-depressants entirely, and feeling a tad stressed.
I do want to say that during the course of writing this blog it is not my intention to paint my mother out to be this horrible burden of a person. It is also not my intention to make myself out to be the wonderfully altruistic daughter by any stretch of the imagination. She has to deal with a lot of crap from me, the most recent of which being a pregnancy scare which I am sure I will talk about further in another post (no I am not pregnant).
Like most mother daughter relationships ours is a complicated one, but I do love her very very much. It has come down, via recent tests results, that the cancer is further spreading, with the next possible destination being her brain.
Of course this news is devistating to our family. I can’t imagine life without my mother and struggle to even figure out how to write about it. I think often times when I write on this blog about the petty disagreements me and my mother are having it is my means of venting/ working through stuff, but it also makes me treat our life like things are normal and we don’t have this worry painting our daily lives. But you can’t be mad at a sick person, so I am working through ways of healing and moving on and valueing the time we have left. Most recently I attempted to write a poem about it. Without lapsing too much into disclaimers this is a draft and I am sure it will go through many incarnations.
milk
your mother licked her fingertips and made you new again–
polished your rough edges
even when you, howling drunk, said things wrong.
ignore each new fissure.
must learn how to cook and make something of yourself
must stop being a love spendthrift
you, Persephone, have stranded too many people in your winter
your mother guides you with tiny hands and waits in the wings
letting you star
young and vain, you take all the credit
time has snaked around your home
must be better
must be grateful for what remains
but you already have dirt under your nails,
from the last time you tried to keep something alive.
I know there is at least one person who knows that that quote is from Carrie. I said it a week ago and my siblings as well as my mother looked at me like I had procured a ham sandwich from my anus. I am not a film snob, and now that I am taking screen writing classes I realize I am not even that knowledgeable about all the snobby things one can be knowledgeable about in regards to film. So If I allude to a film, it is my feeling that pretty much everyone has seen it. Clearly I am wrong.
Why am I bringing up our lovely ginger friend Carrie now? Sad to say, but in some small way I have been identifying with her recently. No, there isn’t anyone dumping pigs blood on me at Uni, and my mother is not a psycho religious freak…Except in the way that she has so clearly predicted failure of my latest relationship? interaction? like affair? It’s not exactly “They’re all gonna laugh at you,” it is more like “Abandon hope.”
Knowing me so well she knows all the things to say that make me want to run for the hills, including really pressing the jealousy button (I can’t help it though I try–I am a Scorpio, mention another woman and my brain catches on fire). She has been kind and gentle and all that but she also has successfully cleared the smile, and all the joy that came with it, off my face. Now, despite still wanting to go forward with this interaction, it is hard to calm the paranoia and fear that I had just successfully gotten rid of last week.
I have met this awesome gentlemen online who is from Melbourne. He came and visited for a week and before and after this visit we talk every day often multiple times a day. If he didn’t live in Melbourne it is likely we would be dating, but the distance presents a bit of a challenge. Regardless I have been having fun, and he is such a kind honest and decent person. So why then has my mother been giving the cold shoulder to this whole interaction? I speculated a whole list of possibilities throwing in jealousy, over protectiveness, projection… Finally yesterday she expressed concerns based on what she has seen intuitively; 1. I will get hurt, 2. It’s only about sex for him and he plans to involve other people 3. It is never going to be what I want/never going to turn into a relationship.
So I was really down after this conversation. How can you ignore the point of view of someone who loves you and has such strong intuitive gifts? I talked with the boy extensively about this–which just speaks to the type of friendship we have that we could talk about everything so openly and honestly. What it comes down to is 1. anything worth doing involves a little hurt and I can’t go through life missing out on experiences because I am worried about being hurt 2. We are both really sexual people, admittedly, but I know it’s not just about sex for him. He is hot, he can get sex easily why would he bother to travel all the way to Sydney to get it? 3. I can’t get caught up in the future and the will we/wont we when this is all so new, it’s just too much pressure to put on a relationship. So hey it may be stupid, I may be crying into my beer a week from now wishing I had listened to my mother, but so far this guy has only shown himself to be an amazing and caring person and I would kick myself if I missed out on even a couple of minutes of that because of something my mother said. There are no guarantees with anything anyway so I just have to enjoy the moments as they come. I know she loves me and isn’t saying this stuff to hurt me, but it is time for me to be an adult, live my life, and make my own mistakes.
So I think there are many of us who have to periodically buy whole new sets of socks becuase the reality of keeping socks together when doing laundry is often elusive. It is an accepted fact of washing clothes that you will inevitably for some unknown reason lose certain items of clothing to the ethers. The lesser common thing, is of course, to randomly gain clothes. We have our own washer and dryer, and other than my mother and myself, no one else uses these machines. So how is it that in todays laundry pile there came to appear two giant pairs of white bloomers that belong to neither me nor my mother. I am not a granny panty wearer, even when I was 35 kilos heavier than now, and especially not now. If anything I still have a bad habit of wearing underwear that have cartoon characters on them. And all my moms stuff looks like it came off the set of a nior film. So where are these dang panties from? This is a creepy mystery that will bug me for days…
I tried to dress up–gold Mary Janes
You called them my tap shoes, and we became a series of coordinated movements.
It’s a weeknight
and tomorrow I’ll do what should have been done yesterday…
maybe.
I’m shy to hold your hand,
and lifetimes pass before we kiss.
I like your eyes, and smile, and face, and hands,
and the way you hold me
but I haven’t found a way to express that in terms of
butterflies, sunsets, chocolate cakes or some other beautiful shit.
I want to write lines
To you for you of you
Something a little more interesting then
bad coffee, strange hotel rooms and getting lost in the city.
Our awkward transition from text to flesh
I wish for your skin and your smell…
I want to tell you stories and play with your hair…
You remain here like an endless afternoon
though your flight left yesterday.
I am trying to do homework/work and it’s slow going. I spent the better half of yesterday looking for a job and then later did coat check at an event for seven hours. Lately even in my good spots, I have felt frayed. Like I keep polishing buttons to distract everyone from my loose strings. I want whatever is supposed to happen to happen already. But it is me who has to start creating/ being the person I am meant to be. And I am acknowledging that this life that I have put on for the past year doesn’t fit. I am not meant to struggle, or be unhappy, or trying to strap in the neurotic assumptions of my idle brain…
What I have now is a mattress propped on a bookshelf. Except my fat ass broke the back of the bookshelf so at some point I will end up on the floor. Yep I need some money. (Sigh) life is a little ghetto here in Ashfield. Oh but that is not what I want to talk about at all. I have been gone for the last couple days. I met this boy…well man from Melbourne who I have been chatting with for the last month. He visited this week and fun was had by all.
When I got home from spending the last four nights with him, my mother has been nice but strangely distant. I don’t know if something else is going on or if she is upset that I haven’t talked about my time with him. Thing is I don’t want to go into gory details with anyone really. Despite being a blogger I don’t really kiss and tell. I also don’t need another burst bubble. Well that’s a lie I have kissed and told in the past, but I wont this time.
My mother and various other people before the date listed all the ills of men. First and foremost was the concern that any person I was meeting online would be a serial killer. Next it was stressed over and over again that men are different then women (which apparently people feel that I as a rugmuncher am incapable of comprehending). Next was that boys cum fast or that they smell funny or that cock sucking sucks…But the one that managed to really pick at me (and is still picking at me today) was “he will say anything to get what he wants, and once he gets what he wants it will be over…”
(Sigh) I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if it was just a four day fling or it has potential to be something else. All I know is that I like him and we had a great time. But ultimately if it isn’t meant to be I would like to know soonish before I fall. I don’t want to be that neurotic chick that looks at every text message like “well he says hello happy Saturday…but what does that really mean?”
I spent the better part of last semester feeling aggro about the whole idea of therapy and my need to go on a weekly basis. Strangely enough all of a sudden recently it started impacting my life in a positive way. I will not go so far as to say crazy things like it is enjoyable or dramatically life changing, but I will have to say that it is helpful.
So here is the recent issue. I think that I have mentioned before that life with my mother is glorious, yet somewhat of a challenge. I think that it’s because while I am rapidly speeding towards twenty eight, in the context of this house I am pretty much still 17 (as I have said before). I don’t really feel like I have any privacy and today I came home and she had re cleaned my already clean room, a petty thing to be irritated about, but I was irritated. I feel like often she is most comfortable as a mother telling me and my siblings how we should live our lives. I realized (through the miracle of therapy) on some subconscious level I worried that if I didn’t agree with or do most if not all of what my mother says for me to do, that I felt like I would lose her love in some way. This is irrational and I know on a conscious level this is not true. This I think comes from the fact that the first time I differentiated from my father I was labeled as crazy and pretty much disowned. But the issue at hand is that I am contributing to my own adolescent-like relationship with my mother by not standing up for myself.
Here is an example in concrete terms. I mentioned before the Tarot session where the cards supposedly according to my mother foretold that I wasn’t going to be in a relationship. That whole incident launched into a big debate between me and my mother where she feels like me being in a relationship would make me lose focus, that it’s too much a of a big priority in my life, I need to learn to love myself etc…At first I agreed and proceeded to put all thoughts of a relationship on the back burner. Then I realized I am not losing focus by dating. I still get good grades, have a successful social life etc. And while everyday is not a picnic for me (as regular readers of this blog know) I have been making a lot of loving decisions for myself (losing weight, taking anti depressants, going to therapy, spending time with friends, working towards spiritual growth…). So what the therapist kind of zoned in on are a couple of things 1. at this age regardless of my mothers perspective I should be able to make my own decisions without feeling guilty or worrying about being judged. 2. Though my mother has sage advice and is a good guide, I should also be able to stand up for myself and not feel like I should do everything she says and 3. Perhaps the issue isn’t that I would lose focus on my studies or my self growth, but perhaps the concern is that I wont be here spending time with her. 4. As a grown person not only should I be free to make my own decisions and mistakes, I shouldn’t feel like I need to justify or explain myself…
So I am working through this and figuring it all out. Differentiating and trying to find a balance with my mother. This all comes up because I am in my room waiting to talk to her about some drama we have been having as of yesterday–unnecessary drama I might add…But I don’t think anyone is without challenges with their mother.
I am just trying to find balance, school, finding more work, spending quality time with family–especially my mamma and yes probably dating. No dating still isn’t my number one priority, but I am chatting to someone I really like right now and I feel ok about doing so. If it works out great, if it doesn’t work out hey there is no manual on these sorts of things you just have to live your life experience by experience and take lessons away from each one.
I started doing Yoga booty ballet again it is so nerdy yet fun. You can’t feel bored exercising if you are being encouraged to ‘ride the pony.’ I am not an exerciser. The fact that I have lost 65 lbs. without doing anything or eating less ice cream has thrilled me to no end. But I want to lose more and that apparently means getting out of my bed, off the internet and actually moving…
So this month has been a weird month. I have been really wanting to take down this blog lately. Just the very fact that I have had it for so long grates against my Scorpio need for privacy. Plus honestly it makes me seem a lot crazier than I am. Nonetheless I have worked on it too long to stop now.
So I have been all ready to forget dating and boys or whatever but uh…some stuff has happened. Yeah I am not going to get into it, but it does make me smile.
I am freezing but overall a lot better than in my last post. I think I just need to break shit up that stresses me out and attack it one issue at a time. Plus really and truly giving up on even worrying about school, money and especially dating. I will still chat with my Facebook boy harem because it’s fun and funny, but yeah I think this semester is the semester I really need to focus and figure out what it is I am going to do with the rest of my life. And right now it really doesn’t need to be about another person.
Other than that my house is slowly coming together. Re landscaped the weed oasis that was the front this weekend and it looks amazing. Little less strapped for cash this week, and feeling hopeful. This is a bit of a boring post I know, but after the last one I do want to say not all is bad, and I am seeing the silver lining.
I am an Al Green song. Even though between the internet and the people I meet when I venture out of the house there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of people interested in me. Some British guy sent me a message about his desire to smell my feet. Troubling yes, but somewhat flattering nonetheless. This guy I was supposed to go on a date with earlier this year emailed me recently out of the blue. We had met on RSVP and I canceled the date partly because he was coming on a little too strong for me and making me nervous, and partly because I had met someone else. So here it is a couple months down the line and I have been asked out again. Yet for some reason two things keep happening 1. I insist on feeling that I am unlovable 2. I persist with the view that I will be single forever and will die a bachlorette.
This all reached a dramatic apex last night when I decided to do a Tarot reading with my mother and sister last night. I asked a general question about love and relationships and when I would actually again have the opportunity to be made miserable by another person. In a nutshell the Tarot said a relationship isn’t happening for me. I have to do soul searching, find my stillness, focus on school blah blah blah blah blah.
To which I was like fucking hell! It is one thing to feel like it is taking forever for you to get the relationship part of your life sorted, it’s another thing entirely to get the message ’stop trying it’s not going to happen.’
So with my penchant for dramatic despair I decided to add this to my list of failures. I am going to go ahead and be extra vulnerable on this post and point out that I spent at least an hour sobbing into my pillow last night as well as part of today. The list of failures is as follows 1. I am 27 and living with my mother ( I conveniently edit out the fact that I chose to have her live with me so I could support her through cancer) 2. Perceived failure at school. I think because I am not a perfect student I think that I am a loser despite the fact that I get decent grades. I constantly compare myself to others and in my estimation everyone else is a smarter more talented writer. 3. Next the big one BROKENESS. This isn’t the first time in my life I have been broke. In fact I can’t think of many times in my life when I have not been. But without a consistent income currently things are suffocatingly tight. I couldn’t even afford to take the train last week and though there are a couple things on the horizon, for the most part finances have been bleak. I can’t help but feel like giving up when I can’t even afford to buy myself a cup of coffee. I don’t care what anyone says; being poor, having to ask people for help, staying home because you can’t afford to do anything, lying to people about why you can’t do certain things…dissolves your self esteem. 4. Of course there is the constant worry I have over my mothers health with the extra added bonus of having absolutely nothing set up if anything were to happen to her. Plus then I feel guilty for not taking care of her properly. 5. And if none of those things are enough for me I like to toss in a little bit of insecurity about my appearance and lament not being a size 6 ignoring my 65 lb. weight loss. 6. Lastly of course the failure of not being in a relationship, which I translate in my mind to being a complete loser who spends too much time on the internet and will soon be the female equivalent to those nerdy fat guys in dirty wife beaters beating off in front of their computers while chatting to some girl who thinks they look like Johnny Depp. My sister is getting me a cat in a couple weeks and I imagine slowly adding more to the collection. I wouldn’t be a typical cat lady though because I would want to have some unruly addiction like Opium of Quaaludes for me and the cats just to keep things fresh.
I am starting to come out of last nights dark cloud, but admittedly I have been no joy to be around today. Mostly I can’t stop crying and don’t know how to feel better. It is also very important to note that I have had to go down in my medication because I can’t afford to maintain my previous dose. So yay on me feeling unstable and insane. And then sharing it with others… But hey all I need to do is think positive and turn my frown upside down and then all my problems will be solved right?
Updates! I have cut things off with married guy. Makes me a little sad, but I don’t want to be that girl that doesn’t respect other peoples relationships. And I thought about how I would feel if my husband/boyfriend were saying to some other chick the types of things that were being said to me. What else…I got my grades. Three distinctions and a credit, which I am told is decent.
Our town is overrun by Catholics here for World Youth Day. I was packed like a sardine on the train twice today. Who gives a crap about the pope? Apparently all these butt muches who were farting on the train while I was pressed against strangers.
I have a new crush of the week, well maybe not a crush more like a ‘gee I think you’re cute and nice’. I am not going to even say anything about him because more than likely next week I will be on to someone else. Ok I’ll say one thing he’s ‘travel size’ as CQ would put it, which doesn’t bother me at all, but apparently is big problem with my mother and sister. They forget that my first love was 5′4″ on a good day.
No but crushes are fun. Besides I have had such terrible luck lately crushes are a safe territory for me right now.
I was on the train yesterday when a friend texted me saying everything in her life was fine except that she is hopelessly infatuated with a married man. For once in my life I know how she feels, being that I have chatted with one every night almost for the past couple of days. It is not completely innocent since we have both expressed mutual attraction, but I also have made clear it wont go further. He’s not just married, he’s married with children. I have felt guilty like the sins of my bloodline are finally starting to blossom in me. I know better yet I am not always so certain I can do better. I don’t know what it is hormones? season? I have been insanely randy.
I am trying to move on. I have been following this (so far) ridiculously accurate horoscope. According to the horoscope this weekend that just passed was to be one of romance and creativity. This is where I feel like maybe the horoscope has perhaps ceased to be accurate. On Saturday I hung out with my sister vegging in front of the TV, drinking and painting my nails. I decided to leave when there was nothing else on except for The Wizard of Oz. I talked till the wee hours of the morning to the married man.
So Saturday was definitely not romance day. Sunday I went to my bosses birthday gathering at a Tapas bar. I dressed up, even wearing my uncomfortable heels. It was a fun gathering, but no romance that I can remember. I talked to a lovely American, Irish, British guy who helped me to be less party awkward. I was for the most part being very shy, feeling a little out of place not knowing anyone and being the youngest person. He encouraged me to drink which helped a little. I ended the evening talking to a really drunk South African gentleman who told me the same story repeatedly. This I didn’t mind so much. What was sort of awkward were the statements/questions “Are you a rugmuncher?” and “I’m South African and a racist but I really like you.” I don’t really know the appropriate way to respond to those so I didn’t. It was an eventful evening to say the least but I think I need to reread that horoscope to see what is going on.
I am feeling this irrational urge to be a hermit. To be fair I helped my mom make ribs, mashed potatoes, chocolate éclairs, a chocolate tart and homemade iced cream sandwiches. It turned out to be an all day undertaking and I am exhausted. After I collapsed into a diabetic coma. We ex patriots used the Fourth of July as an excuse to eat ribs. Mmm delicious ribs. Plus I was hopped up on cold medicine till the wee hours of the morning.
I have been addicted to failblog recently. I feel like if I had a working camera I could make a failblog of random things during my day (not always things I am doing). That thought makes me both happy and sad.
Speaking of failure, I have been trying to brainstorm my next column and what keeps coming up is writing something about my horrible land of single. I worry that if I do that the cool thread I am barely hanging on by will be completely severed. It is one thing for your blog friends to know that you haven’t gotten any since…fuck August no wait September. But still Jesus broadcasting that in a printed publication for a quarter million lesbians is like sealing your fate in wax. How vulnerable do I want to be? I have already admitted to my inability to g-spot orgasm, should I talk about my repeated dating failure as well? What do I even say? I can call it “Everyone is Crazy but me, a single girls guide to self-preserving denial…” or “You’re a fucking liar you hate being single as much as I do hippy” or maybe just simply “Vibrators don’t cuddle.”
I can include in my ’successes’ getting much older men and much younger men to want to have sex with me (I am not amused). Also men who have partners have been also persistent in telling me how awesome I am and how they would do me in a second if it weren’t for that pesky wife/girlfriend. Other ’successes’ include apparently being so intimidatingly hot no single guy wants to talk to me unless it is perhaps the middle of the night on a Saturday/ Friday and they are drunk loitering outside of a club with a group of their friends. Then I get to hear “Aw yeah hello my African princess,” or “Oh shit guys that’s that girl from Sneaky Sound System.” If it’s even later in the evening it could just be “Ay! Ay!” or a simple “Your fucking hot can I come with you?” Also sometimes I get Macy Gray. Macy Fucking Gray!! One I look nothing like her. Two she is not exactly a person I aspire to look like. At least Sneaky Sound Sytem chick is cuter than me so it’s a compliment, however misguided and racist…
And finally the guys (not talking about women at all just guys here) I have dated during my life time have these as reasons not to continue doing so: 1.I’m gay but I will say we should just be friends and not admit to all the butt sex I am having on the DL 2.I am not over my ex but I will say it’s because you are too shy/there is no chemistry despite our hot and heavy make out session where I wanted to rip your clothes off 3.You’re not ‘athletic’ enough for me (this is when I was 65 kilos which is average for my height) what I mean by ‘not athletic enough’ is I am basically a cunt. 4. I do ‘like you’ but for some reason can’t be bothered with calling you 5.I am bat shit crazy which means I will lead you on for an extended period of time and then when we get close to any real issues I will pretend I don’t know you. and my personal favorite 6.I am beyond bat shit crazy which means I have freaked you out so much with my level of intensity/insanity that you actually have to dump me and possibly change your phone number and email and block me on Facebook.
So I am picturing this piece as a real sort of uplifting…inspirational sort of thing. But mom says I should write about what I know and sadly things I know about lately include: grad school, sick mothers, being broke, loneliness, wondering if I am in fact a loser, and mysterious weight loss. Speaking of which I am going to go have some ribs now.
I wont post the link every time people so book mark it. There was a lot of confusion last month. The magazine is LOTL International and you click on the little magazine in the right hand corner. (Also there is a link in my Blogroll for those of you who can’t see the links in this post)
OK I am guilty of blaming a lot of things that don’t sit well with people on my Americaness. Like for example last night I went to a poetry reading. Some of the poets were amazing, whereas some were well…not. So I used the blanket of my Americaness to explain my disdain–I am unnecessarily snobby. I just have to get used to the Australian accent doing hip hop. I also need to get off my high horse since I never would get up there. But seriously one guy was too trashed to make it through his whole poem.
The saving grace of the night was a friend of mine who performed and the feature poet Bravo Child. I would elope with Bravo Child if I could, He was amazing. He read this one love poem that is probably the best love poem I have ever heard. And my friend won the slam competition ($50.00). That is the most exciting part of my week.
So yeah I am on holiday…I have work to do but my brain is fried. I just need to recover. So the aforementioned situation from the last post I went ahead and sent the ‘what’s up?’ email. I don’t know why I even pretended like I wasn’t going to do it. I can’t help myself, I am ridiculously curious. Plus on the off chance that I have some fatal flaw that I don’t know about, I would like to be aware. I have all this anxiety now, which actually enabled me to clean things…
I am realizing it is too much to have a Facebook boy harem. Especially when the ones you don’t really want to see start saying things like ‘visit’ and ’soon.’ Meh. I need to drink some coffee and think about other shit. I got up late today yet I am still exhausted.
Final papers done (yay). I got trashed that night. It was fun except the random guy who stuck his tongue in my mouth after talking to me for an hour about his wife and kids. I was too drunk to kick him in the balls…
Anyway, I got some new clothes from my sister (woot). (This is a bracket heavy post). I went out last night in one of my new dresses and I looked hott (hot enough for two t’s) if I may say so myself. I also survived the whole night in four inch heels which amazed me. This pleased my sister and mom who don’t think I can be a real girl until I go out in pain.
Other than that I have been having dirty dirty internet chats with boys on MSN messenger. It is a really entertaining activity for me as a writer. I just try to see how far I can push the envelope. I would be crap at phone sex, but amazing at sex chat, apparently boys are sort of easy to please.
How did I get here? Well I was talking to this guy online every day for almost a month (in a normal way not a dirty way). We talked about things that people don’t tell each other for years. He had planned to visit (he lives like 12 hours away). Then he wanted to come down with his ex (um wait what?). She apparently isn’t over him but they are friends. This is where things got complicated and weird. First he was saying when he came down he was going to see friends and something about being a single guy out on the town… Then he said that none of his friends liked his ex. And that he is not the type to go and pickup. Then he said that his friends might not have time for him. So then I was like why is he coming down? For some reason he couldn’t just say part of the reason he wanted to come down was to see me. I didn’t need him to be like “I planned to trip for you,” but I also didn’t need him to be like ‘maybe we’ll hang out…’ I felt like he either just had trouble saying no to his ex when she asked him, or he wanted to have a backup route in case he and I didn’t get along. Either way it was odd to me. Who goes to meet someone they are talking to with their ex in tow?
When I started to ask about stuff he dropped out of emailing me all of a sudden. It’s too bad because I could have liked him. It is not like I wanted him to elope with me or anything. I just wanted us to be honest with each other. If you are emailing someone epic emails every day, sometimes twice a day, and chatting with them for hours, it is not weird to say I want to see you…Also what is with people giving me the silent email treatment and then sending me applications on Facebook?
It sounds like it’s not a big deal and it isn’t really. Maybe a little disappointing. I guess the way he is is a little too familiar to me. Like that response combined with other things he says. I am so over being the honest direct vulnerable person, while the other person is acting nonchalant. So I have just started talking to other boys. I am not really interested in them, but I guess I am trying not to internalize the drop in conversation. And just trying to move on. Besides it is sort of fun to make random guys around the world cream their pants just by things you are typing.
Mom left her banana peel in my room for ‘the time being’ because she is afraid to go into the kitchen. I don’t blame her, we just got a new really inconvenient flatmate. One singular mouse has been the source of many sleepless nights in this household lately. I haven’t gotten a real bed yet, so my mattress on the floor makes me feel pretty vulnerable (also can I just say this whole sleeping on the floor thing really impacts my cool points). So I have been on my computer till the wee hours of the morning trying to stay awake. I feel like the moment I close my eyes the mouse will come skip into bed with me. Yes I know that the mouse is a tiny being and is more afraid of me then I am of it. But at night when the lights are out and I hear it rustling about it creeps me out. I don’t even know how the little bastard got in the house.
We found out that mice don’t like the smell of mint so mom doused our rooms in minty essential oil, to the point of nausea. That worked for a day, but now Fred (I’ve decided he is a Fred) is back. Even though I am an unabashed meat eater I don’t want to kill Fred. Especially since we don’t have mousetraps so any killing we would do would be in some creepy barbaric medieval fashion.
Anyway I don’t know what to do about Fred, so I am just trying to do work. I am still working on my first paper. I can’t get it done. I have 1400 words left. I think with fatigue it gets snarkier and snarkier. I have a feeling I will have to develop a fierce persona to back up this paper. However, that still wont prevent my adviser from wanting to harpoon me in the chest.
I spend way too much time on Facebook. It is the dorkiest thing. It makes me feel… oh about fifteen. When me and the guy I have been emailing admitted to liking each other it was through one of the “Do You Like Me?” applications. I never expected to be this cheesy in my old age. I also have been chatting with random guys from France and Turkey, but I am not serious about them. It is a safe thing for me since I will never see them so I can say whatever I want. Plus I think I already mentioned that I have a big nose fetish and all these guys have really great noses, It’s kind of entertaining to chat with someone who has sort of broken English flirting techniques.
Ah but you know what I am doing right now…fucking procrastinating again. I will exit this non sequitur post with a link to Vicki who is still hot after all these years…
I’m a really good girlfriend, no seriously I am. I may not be so great at always washing the dishes but I am constantly nurturing my partners dreams and self esteem. So I am good where it counts. No one has to doubt my feelings for them. I am caring and I give, give, give. Which is part of the problem. My relationships get this special place on a pedestal and I spend so much time making sure my partner is happy, that I lose myself. My most recent relationship I realized on the outset all the things that I thought were cool about my partner, sense of style, music, humor creativity were all things that I had in myself. Not only that, In many ways I give my uniqueness away to people. So now 65 lbs. lighter and living across the world, I finally am returning to the amazing person I used to be. This has come to mind because I have been reminded a lot this week to not lose myself in my next relationship.
And who knows when that will be, or what that will look like. I met someone recently online who seems cool, but you never know till you meet someone in person. I keep finding myself with people who want me to risk and be vulnerable but aren’t willing to go there themselves. Not saying this is the case in this situation, but that is what I am wary of. I don’t want my still precarious sense of self to topple. I fear this post is vague. I can’t write the same this week. I am feeling self conscious and my thoughts are this muddle. Like I said in the last post I have been feeling more and more exposed. This is just something I have to deal with if I want to be a published writer. I think it grates against the Scorpio in me to have no more secrets.
I am feeling weird about liking someone I never met, about being excited about their future visit. I am supposed to be nonchalant but I am not. And I have these conversations with my mother that show how completely insane I am. I nuerose over the following: he will think I am fat (huge issue in my mind for some godforsaken reason no matter how much weight I lose-thanks dad for giving me the lifelong complex), next I worry that it will be too awkward, but mostly I worry that for whatever reason the other person will decide it’s not working and either a. blame the entirety of the failure on me–like the last guy I dated or b. drop off the face of the earth with no explanation. I don’t really keep in mind that I may not like them, which is a possibility.
It is enough to make me not want to bother with the whole thing. But I am fighting the immature urge to call the whole thing off. And I just have to keep reminding myself that I am better than this. I don’t need the approval or validation of others, I don’t need a relationship and I don’t need to be so hard on myself all the time. But that is easier said then done.
